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Field Manual
22-102 Headquarters |
Department
of the Army 1
April |
WALL-TO-WALL
COUNSELING
FM 22-102
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Wall-to-Wall
counseling has been around longer than the American
military.
Many famed units used it as their primary
motivational tool, and some used nothing else. It's
still prevalent in many hardened military units.
The Spartans
The citizens of the city-state of Sparta, Greece,
didn't mess around. Wall-to-wall counseling was the
order of the day among the Spartan. The Spartans
believed in hard training and hard discipline, and
wall-to-wall counseling is about the hardest kind of
discipline that there is. The Spartans were feared
both in war and at peace, and they worked hard to
maintain their image. Babies were quality controlled
at the time of their birth, and any not meeting the
standards were put on the sides of mountains to die
Needless to say, until the day when wall-to-wall
counseling completely erased the desire of the
citizens of Sparta to perpetuate the race, nobody
screwed with these people.
Patton
General George S. Patton, the famed World War II
tank corps commander was a great fan of wall-to-wall
counseling. It showed in the, way he led his troops.
He never used a kind word when a foul one would do
just as well. One of his most famous wall-to-wall
counseling sessions occurred in a field hospital
Patton believed that combat fatigue was cowardice,
and promised to shoot anyone exhibiting it. On a
trip through a field hospital, he ran across a
shell-shocked private. When the private claimed that
he could hear the shells flying overhead but not
exploding, Patton became furious He slapped the
soldiers in the head, waved a loaded pistol in his
face and called him a pussy. Then he ordered him
back to the front to fight "so the brave soldiers in
this hospital won't be contaminated by this coward."
That Patton was not punished as severely as he
should have been for this deed shows that
wall-to-wall counseling has a place in the US Army.
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US Soldiers In action around the world in action!
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The South Korean Army
The Army of the Republic of Korea uses wall-to-wall
counseling in its daily operation. It is sanctioned
and approved by the Ministry of Defense. South
Koreans feel that the harsher peacetime is, the less
the soldier will notice the hardships of combat with
North Korea Wall-to-Wall counseling rises to its
zenith with the ROK discipline board This group
wall-to-wall counseling session is convened for
offenses that would result in punishment by
court-martial in the US Army. The soldier walks into
the discipline board. Is wall-to-wall counseled, and
is carried out of the board, either on a stretcher
or on ice. While US Army waIl-to-wall counseling is
not likely to result in serious death to the
soldier, the Korean discipline board is a model to
be emulated by all US Army units.
When should you wall-to-wall counsel?
You should wall-to-wall counsel a soldier when he
needs it And all soldiers occasionally need
wall-to-wall counseling.
Determining when this most severe of leadership
techniques is warranted requires the leader to
intimately know his soldiers and be aware of when a
soldier is far enough gone that a swat in the head
is the only thing that will adjust his behavior.
Minor offenses
Simple infractions can be dealt with quickly by a
simple ass-beating. Soldiers appreciate this, as it
saves them the hassle of having to visit the
commander for UCMJ action.
Lateness
Soldiers arriving late for military functions should
be screened carefully before being wall-to-wall
counseled. A soldier who has never before been late
would not benefit from having the shit beat out of
him; indeed, it will only destroy his motivation. A
soldier who has been late for the past four months,
on the other hand, is possibly incorrigible and a
well-deserved ass-beating would not only be
profitable, but enjoyable. Especially if the soldier
has caused you to visit the company commander on
less-than-friendly terms.
Incompetence
Soldiers who have proven themselves incapable of
performing the demands of their chosen profession
may indeed be candidates for wall-to-wall
counseling. The source of their incompetence must be
determined before harsh measures are implemented,
though. If a soldier has just graduated from Initial
Entry Training and has never performed his job,
corporal punishment would not be a good idea. If, on
the other hand, he has performed his MOS for the
last two years and still does not know shit from
Shinola, the soldier deserves his ass beat and it
should be performed at the earliest possible
opportunity.
Challenging or defying Authority
Soldiers who harass their leaders are prime
candidates for ass-beating. In this case, the
soldier should not be given an opportunity to try to
pull anything on you the second time. If the soldier
harasses or ignores you, kick the shit out of him.
Enough said.
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Farting
Off Soldiers who fart off should be treated the same
as those who fuck with their leaders. Any soldier
found sleeping in the back seat of their vehicle in
the motor pool instead of working on it should be
immediately taken in front of his whole platoon and
have the shit kicked out of him. No slack can be
placed on soldiers of this nature. The rest of the
platoon will appreciate you.
Major offenses
Soldiers found guilty of major transgressions will
be punished by the military authorities.
A soldier who kills another soldier will probably be
shot. However, long wall-to-wall counseling sessions
prior to the arrival of the military police are
appropriate in cases where the transgression was
against another soldier, and are best conducted in
the presence of the wronged soldier. If the wronged
soldier is still alive, he or she should be invited
to join in to the session, as he or she will feel
that revenge is called for and participating in the
session will help to heal mental wounds caused by
the perpetrator.
Rape
No offense is as damaging to the victim as rape.
Murder does not come close, since the victim is dead
and knows nothing. A raped soldier will have
psychological scars for the rest of his or her life.
A male soldier who is the victim of a homosexual
rape is especially damaged, and many commit suicide
rather than live with this burden immediate
wall-to-wall counseling is required, and it must be
so severe that bones are broken. Dimension lumber
must be used during this session, and the minimum
length of the session is three hours. If any part of
the rapist's body has not been hit with the board,
the session is not complete. At least one arm and
one leg will be broken during the session and the
testicles will be hit at least ten times.
Murder
Coming close to rape in its severity is murder. The
victim will not be able to participate in the
counseling, of course. A long counseling session
with a baseball bat and jackboots will be initiated
and will continue only until the perpetrator is
unconscious. Then the murderer must be revived and
beat on some more.
Arson
Arson, of course, affects us all. Besides the
possibility of losing your life, seeing all your
shit go up in smoke and having to sleep in the
street for the next three years, arsonists steal
unit morale, cohesion and esprit de corps. After
all, if you can't trust someone to not burn your
place down, how can you trust him in a combat
situation? Arsonists are very simple to counsel.
They are to be placed in the burning building and
the doors are to be locked.
Robbery, burglary and barracks thievery
These crimes also affect unit morale. When a soldier
rips off your stuff, all you want to do is kill him.
Well, if it's your shit, go ahead and do him in. In
fact, do more than that. If however, it wasn't your
shit he took, you should let the wronged do the
little shit head. Popular punishments for barracks
thieves include the soldier falling down the stairs
twenty or thirty times. Soldiers have also been
penned into their rooms and tear gas powder blown
under the door with a hair dryer. Anything cruel is
good barracks thieves. In fact, it is best if you
hold a formation to make the entire battalion
observe the barracks thief being killed. People who
do shit like this do not deserve to live, as they
are far below contempt. I would rather have Russians
distroing message traffic than a barracks thief in
the company. And I definitely do not want Russians
pulling WSC.
Other serious offenses
There are many serious offenses that require only
moderate amounts of wall-to-wall counseling.
These are normally simple offenses, but are
compounded by their circumstances. WaIl-to-wall
counseling is demanded before these things get out
of hand.
Failure to make coffee for the dayhos
A coffeeless dayho is a grouchy dayho, and grouchy
dayhos tend to think of stupid shit for us to do.
Any trick worker aware that the dayho coffeepot is
empty who does not take steps to remedy this
condition will immediately be hit in the head with
dimension lumber. If they do it twice, they will be
sent to ORMA for the next six months to make coffee
and type memorandums which forbid trick workers to
breathe.
Excessive errors on reports
Reporters who make excessive errors on their reports
cause extra work for their QCs. All reporters who
are found to have made more than three errors on a
report will be hit on the side of the head with a
base ball bat.
Snobbishness
Some soldiers believe that they are God's gift to
the Army. They believe that they do not need to do
Army things, like going to formation and doing PT.
Some are so bad, they think they are better than
their superiors. This is especially bad when the
soldier in question is a college graduate and the
super-visor is a high school graduate. These
soldiers believe their leaders are bone headed
morons and will not listen to them. Others believe
that the only measure of a soldier is whether that
soldier has been to the Defense Language Institute
in Monterey, California. The linguist-nonlinguist
battle occasionally gets so bad that there are
verbal abuses thrown around in several languages,
none of them clean. What is the leader to do? The
leader has no one to blame but himself if he does
not use wall-to-wall counseling to correct this
problem. A quick Jap slap will straighten out this
bullshit before it gets any worse.
Determining when wall-to-wall counseling is
inappropriate
Although an effective technique when properly used,
there are some places where wall-to-wall counseling
is the wrong thing to do.
Conducting a wall-to-wall counseling session in
front of the 7th Army commander, for instance, would
probably not be the wisest decision, as it would
probably lead to the initiation of a relief for
cause NCOER. However, the presence of high level
VIPs should not be the only determinant in the
decision to delay or withhold a wall-to-wall
counseling session.
Soldier's physical size
Always consider the size of the soldier before
initiating a wall-to-wall counseling session. If the
soldier is twice your size and his forearms are
bigger than your thighs, and the soldier still
requires wall-to-wall counseling, a partner will be
required. Details on selecting a partner will be
covered in the chapter titled "Preparing for a
wall-to-wall counseling session."
Soldier's hobbies and interests
While leadership actions rarely require you to take
into account the soldier's hobbies, this is one
place where knowledge of what the soldier does for
fun may prove immensely helpful. If the soldier is
heavily involved in kick boxing, martial arts or
just happens to be the world heavyweight wrestling
champion, a simple wall-to-wall counseling session
may turn into a trip to the hospital for both the
leader and his assistants. In such cases, restraint
and discipline will prove profitable for all
concerned.
Wall-to-wall counseling after drinking binges
Leadership actions should never be conducted while
you are impaired by alcohol. Ass-beatings given
after a six-pack have three drawbacks:
The soldier will not realize the purpose of the
session. He will, instead, believe that you got
wasted and beat the shit out of him for no reason
whatsoever. You will lose respect m the soldier's
eyes as well as in the eyes of the rest of your
unit. The soldier may decide to reciprocate and
wall-to-wall counsel you at a later time on your
transgression. Since wall-to-wall counseling is a
tool only the wise leader who knows his troops
intimately can properly use, its use by subordinates
who may decide to rashly apply it is inadvisable.
The soldier may decide he has been assaulted and
call the military police. Since the MPs take a dim
view of leaders who get drunk off their asses and
beat up on subordinates, you may find yourself
facing a court-martial you never intended to face.
Perhaps most importantly, the leader may have gotten
so drunk that the subordinate is able to turn the
counseling session into a first-rate ass beating
directed against the leader.
Since the hospital will treat your injuries as an
"alcohol related incident," they will call your
commander (who may have never read this field
manual) who will enroll you in the detox program.
The detox program, especially if they put you on
Track III (residential treatment facility) rates in
the entertainment department right up there with
getting checked for the clap.
When counselee is counselor's sexual partner
In the section about conducting wall-to-wall
counseling while under the influence of alcohol, we
pointed out that the leader must know his troops
intimately in order to effectively counsel them.
When the leader knows the counselee too intimately,
though, there are bound to be inherent problems with
the session. First, you can safely figure that you
will never again get into this lady's pants after
the session is done. Second, she will probably tell
the commander what the two of you have been doing
for the last six months, and then you will have some
very heavy explaining to do. Third, but not least,
she will tell every other female on post what you
did, and then you will get no more pussy for the
rest of the time you are stationed at that
post...even in the red light district with a fifty
dollar bill pinned to your jacket. Therefore, the
best advice at this stage of the game is: don't
sleep with your subordinates.
Preparing for a wall-to-wall counseling session
More counseling sessions have been ruined by poor
preparation than by anything else.
Wall-to-wall counseling is no different from any
other counseling in this respect. However,
wall-to-wall counseling imposes its own special
considerations due to its violent nature.
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Dress for success--mean and lean
A leader must be properly dressed to gain the
respect and confidence of his subordinates. A
wall-to-wall counselor's dress must also inspire
confidence. The soldier must be very confident not
only that he is going to get his ass beat, but that
this man who is standing in front of him preparing
to beat his ass is in fact the one who will do it. A
military uniform is very much the wrong garment to
wear to a waIl-to-wall counseling session, though.
More radical dress is called for. A stop by a
clothing store catering to members of the Hell's
Angels Motorcycle Club is in order. Basically, you
want to look like Attila the Hun. Full leathers are
good for extra protection should the soldier attempt
to fight back. Proper jewelry is important. Spiked
wristlets not only enhance the terror you want to
instill in the soldier, but if properly weighted can
increase the pain and damage which a sidearm blow to
the solar plexus can cause. Wearing a large Eric the
Red biker's ring will not only make you look tough,
but the half pound of metal it contains will
increase the effectiveness of punches. Wearing a
Hell's Angels' deaths-head earring, though, isn't
such a good idea. Although it's an intimidating
item, the counselee may grab it and pull, and then
you are in a world of hurt. If you plan to conduct
many wall-to-wall counseling sessions, interesting
in some large tattoos of Vikings beheading people
with blood-covered swords would be a good idea.
Additionally, the pain endured while they are being
done will toughen you up and make you a more
effective counselor. Watching films like The Road
Warrior; The Last Boys and Conan the Barbarian will
give you more apparel ideas.
Location
The room in which waIl-to-waIl counseling sessions
are conducted has a great deal to do with the
success of the session. Not only do you not want to
be interrupted during the session, but you do not
any large objects behind which the soldier can hide
or which the soldier can push you into and hurt you.
Modern construction standards, in which large
amounts of sheet rock are used, have changed the
face of waIl-to-wall counseling. When was were built
of plaster and lath, you could bounce the soldier
off the walls a few times, kick him in the nuts once
or twice, swat him in the head and that would be the
end of it There were no worries that the room would
survive the counseling session, because you knew
that it would. However, you can easily throw a
soldier through a sheet rock wall. The Army will
make you pay for any walls you damage during
counseling. Therefore, you want a large, strong room
to conduct your wall-to-wall counseling sessions in.
Before calling the soldier in for his wall-to-wall
counseling session, inspect the room thoroughly.
Make sure the door is of good quality and is
equipped with a working door lock. The lock is
important not only to keep the session from being
interrupted prior to its conclusion, but also to
hinder the soldier's leaving prior to having
received the full impact of the lessons you are
teaching him. Try to find a room without any
windows.
If this cannot be attained, windows placed high on
the wail are acceptable. Not only will the lack of
windows prevent others from looking in and observing
the wall-to-wall counseling session, but if the
session gets really intense, the soldier could
accidentally push you into the window, breaking it
and injuring you. The purpose of a wall-to-waIl
counseling session is to impart the maximum learning
and pain upon the counselee with the least amount of
damage to the counselor's body, and a glass shard in
your ass is a poor reason to prematurely terminate a
session.
However, in a windowless room lighting takes on
prime importance. You need to see the soldier so
that you know where to hit him next, and the soldier
needs to see you hitting him. Make sure the lights
work and that the light switch is covered with a
piece of green tape to prevent the soldier from
easily turning the lights off.
Inform the soldier
After the area is selected and prepared, but before
you dress for the session, find the soldier inform
him of the time and place of the session. Also give
a reason for the session. Don't approach the soldier
and tell him "You're a fuck up and I'm going to beat
your ass at 1530 in the first sergeant's office."
This puts the soldier on the defensive. Instead,
tell the soldier "Meet me in the first sergeant's
office at 1530. I want to talk to you about your
performance at NTC last month." (You can tell him
that he's a fuck up and is going to get his ass beat
when he gets to the first sergeant's office.)
Find counseling assistants
You usually want to conduct wall-to-wall counseling
sessions on a one-to-one basis. This is fine you're
counseling a 120 pound basic trainee who doesn't
know shit anyway. If, however, you're counseling the
captain of the Fort Hood Boxing Team and you are a
135-pound woman, you may want to get two or three
assistants.
It is simple to find them. Visit the gymnasium and
go to the weight room. If you see someone is there
putting many fifty-pound plates on a bar and then
doing curls and 20 bench presses then you've found
your man. It's even better if he is in your unit and
hasn't yet been instigated in an assault case.
If you can't find anyone like that, though, look for
boxers, wrestler or anyone else who fights for fun.
The ideal waIl-to-waII counselor has a six-foot
reach, fists the size of volleyballs, can bench
35-pounds, runs ten miles a day and has over 20
knockouts.
If you can't get Mike Tyson to assist you in your
counseling session, though, anyone who maxs his PT
test would be good too.
The wall-to-wall counselor's toolkit
Although many successful wall-to-wall counselors
have conducted sessions using nothing but their bare
hands, a small toolkit will ease your job,
especially in those critical first few sessions.
A wall-to-wall counseling toolkit does not have to
be elaborate or expensive. In fact, you probably
have all materials in your unit right now, and all
that it takes to use them is a little imagination.
Baseball bats
No leader can consider himself a wall-to-wall
counselor without possessing a good baseball bat
technique. A regulation baseball or softball bat is
good. Wood or aluminum, short or long, any bat will
do as long as it is not splintered. A splintered bat
may break during those long swings. Viewing the film
The Untouchables will give you ideas on baseball bat
technique. You can invent new techniques as you go
along.
Dimension lumber
Although dimension lumber is usually used in the
same manner as baseball bats, other techniques for
its use are easily devised. A two-by-four is a handy
thing to have. Cut two of them. One needs to be
three feet long, while the other should be four to
five feet long. Drive six nails into the longer one
so that the sharp ends of them stick out of the
board. This is nailed high on the wall of the
counseling morn and is primarily there for shock
effect.
If a baseball bat is also available, have your
assistant grab the counselee's arms and pull them
be-hind his back. Place the board even with the
elbows, pull the arms dawn to the body and secure
with green tape. This prevents the soldier from
attempting to assault his leader.
If two-by-twelves can be obtained, get one about six
feet long. While it is not suitable for swinging,
the counselee can be secured to it with green tape,
lifted high in the air with the aid of your
assistant and dropped.
Pool cues
Pool cues are quickly falling out of favor among the
modern wall-to-waIl counselor. It is still effective
for barroom brawls when the proprietor will not
allow you to bring in your toolkit. It is also good
for when immediate wall-to-wall counseling is called
for and you can't go out to your car to get a tire
iron or a jack handle.
The pool cue sits in a strange and unenviable
position among weapons: If held so that it can do
some good, it is easily broken; if it is held so
that it will not break during blows, it is not long
enough to do much good. It is also more expensive
than either a two-by-four or a baseball bat. In all,
the baseball bat is a much more satisfying tool than
the pool cue.
Restraints
Although wall-to-wall counseling is much more
challenging and rewarding when a soldier is free to
move and fight back, many counselors prefer the
expediency of beating someone's ass while he is tied
up.
By taping the arms to the sides as detailed in the
Dimension Lumber section, counseling may be
accomplished quicker and with less hassle. Many
items may be used for restraints; here we list but a
few.
Handcuffs
Available at all police supply stores, handcuffs are
an easy, effective way to restrain the counselee.
Two pairs should be used if no assistant is
available. One end of the cuffs is attached to the
soldier, the other to a pipe or other support. The
soldier may also be hand cuffed to an object by
putting his hands behind the object and the cuffs
snapped on from there. The new "cable-tie" style
handcuff is a cost-effective and useful restraint.
It is usually long enough to secure the feet and is
available for mere pennies. Its only drawback is
that it is only usable once; it must be cut off cut
off after the session and thrown away.
Green tape
The Army standby, green tape, better known as
hundred-mile-an-hour tape, is effective as a
short-term restraint, providing the soldier is not
strong enough to break it. It is available in
several widths; the standard 2" width is sufficient
for most soldiers. The almost-unobtainable 6" width
is not good for wall-to-wall counseling due to its
extreme width and liability to twist at the
slightest provocation. It is also more expensive.
Ropes
Ropes are only marginally acceptable as restraints,
but are good for tying the soldier to trees in the
field and for dangling him from fire escapes by the
ankles or wrists. If the counselor intends to hang
the soldier from a fire escape, though, special care
must be taken in the selection of the rope to insure
that the weight of the soldier will not break the
rope and cause him to land on his head and die. Army
issue rappelling rope is the best obtainable
wall-to-wall counseling rope due to its high
strength and easy availability.
Conducting the wall-to-wall counseling session
Wall-to-wall counseling can be conducted in many
ways.
For on-the-spot counseling, a quick swat across the
back of the head with a closed fist or a slap in the
face will probably be sufficient. For prolonged
periods of misconduct by the soldier, prolonged
periods of wall-to-wall counseling are in order. All
wall-to-wall counseling sessions, though, are
notable for their intensity and aggressiveness. The
counselor should have a broad range of counseling
methods available to him. He would be wise to study
boxing manuals for additional suggestions. Enrolling
in a martial arts class would also be a good idea,
if he has the time to spare. In addition to
improving counseling skills, the martial arts teach
patience, discipline and self-control…all desirable
traits for any leader.
Basic blows
The basic blows used in wall-to-wall counseling are
the jab, hook, uppercut and knee to the nuts. These
are also basic street fighting techniques
Jab
The jab is performed by pulling the closed fist back
and striking the counselee with a generally straight
motion. It is a quick and handy technique. Which
will find much use in your daily counseling.
Hook
A hook is a sideways-curving stroke. It may be
performed with either hand. It is best to know which
hand the counselee prefers, so that you can use the
same band to hit him with. In this manner, the
danger of the counselee blocking your shot is
greatly reduced. It is another blow which will prove
itself worthy of inclusion in your counseling
repertoire.
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Uppercut
Similar to the book, the uppercut is an
upward-curving stroke. It is best used on the solar
plexus and the jaw. If the counselee sticks his
tongue out at you, the best cure is a swift
upper-cut. If you are sufficiently forceful, you can
succeed in clipping off the counselee's tongue, and
therefore prevent him from talking back, at least
until they sew it back on. Although a good blow, the
jab and hook are generally more useful and therefore
should receive more of your training hours. However,
the uppercut will find use in your sessions, and so
you must be prepared to use it.
Knee in the nuts
Needless to say, this doesn't work very well with
female soldiers! However, most wall-to-wall
counselees are male, and on them it is probably your
most effective blow. Just flex the knee upward until
it hits the balls. Alternately, if you can get your
foot up that high, you can kick them in the balls
with it. If you have performed this hard enough, the
counselee will immediately drop to his knees. It
will be the only blow you will need. If the soldier
does not drop to his knees, you are counseling
either an extremely flat and ugly woman or a eunuch.
In neither case will this blow work, and in both
cases you have just entered a world of shit.
Advanced blows
Advanced blows include the Jap slap, boot to the
head and tool techniques. These are effective, but
more-limited, counseling techniques.
Jap slap
Everyone has seen karate movies, How can the jap
slap, which is performed by slapping the soldier on
one side of the face and immediately following it
with a backhand to the other side of the face, be
considered an advanced move? Simple. Both blows must
be of equal intensity to have the greatest effect.
If one blow knocks the head out of the socket, the
other must put it back in. The backhand is usually
the most intense blow, and is performed last. It
takes much practice to make them equal.
The ideal object to practice with is the heavy
punching bag found in all Army gymnasiums. On any
given day, you will find many wall-to-wall
counselors practicing their Jap slaps against this
bag, so you may need to wait in line. Rest assured
that the wait is well worth it.
If your unit's leaders embrace wall-to-wall
counseling as a common leadership technique, you may
be able to convince the Unit Fund Council to install
its own heavy bag. If you are in an in an infantry
unit or are in charge of many O5Ks, though, the
sheer number of counselees will provide sufficient
opportunity to practice and hone your technique.
Still, there is no substitute for the heavy bag. Not
even an 05K can rep lace it, though some of the new
ones come dose.
Boot to the head
This is just what it sounds like…you kick the
standing soldier in the side of the head with your
foot. Whether you have a boot on will depend on the
circumstances. If you are counseling a soldier
during a field problem, you most definitely will
have on a boot, and the extra mud caked in the sole
will enhance the effectiveness of the blow. If,
however, you find a soldier smoking grass in the
barracks, you may not have a boot on, though you
might want to go put one on. In fact, you might not
have anything at all on. It's obvious why this is an
advanced blow: can you raise your foot six feet in
the air without falling on your ass? Martial arts
training is a definite asset to counselors employing
this technique.
Tool techniques
These include baseball bat blows, dimension lumber
work, and chains. They also include the use of
restraints. They are easy to use but also require
great discipline to ensure that the soldier survives
the counseling. No directions will be given here. We
leave that for the counselor to figure out for
himself. Creativity is one of the hallmarks of a
good leader.
Using these techniques
Wall-to-wall counseling is much like any other
counseling.
You choose the place, inform the counselee, meet him
there, counsel him until his problem is solved and
conduct follow-up actions. In wall-to-wall
counseling, though, how you determine when his
problem is solved is when he screams for mercy. Then
you hit him once or twice more to reinforce the
counseling session and make sure the problem stays
solved, and only then end the counseling session.
Determining how much wall-to-wall counseling is
enough
The successful wall-to-wall counselor needs to be
able to determine how much wall-to-wall counseling
to give. A soldier who misses one formation can be
sufficiently counseled by hitting them once in the
back of the head. A soldier who missed every
formation since he arrived at the unit two years
ago, however, will require counseling with dimension
lumber and a baseball bat. The counselor will
quickly learn the proper amount of counseling to
give.
Of course, if the soldier is a rapist, robber or
murderer, just start your wall-to-wall counseling
session and continue until the military police
arrive.
Follow-up actions
No counseling is complete without follow-up actions.
This is especially true in wall-to-wall counseling.
Following up a wall-to-wall counseling session is
covered in the chapters entitled "Triage" and "Legal
problems."
The counselor should be prepared to wash his hands
of the whole matter, especially if the session drew
blood. The counselor should, therefore, place a bar
of Lava soap in the latrine prior to the session.
Its gritty consistency will remove all traces of
blood from your fingers, and it will help to dean
off your baseball bat, too.
Triage
The soldier may need immediate medical attention
following a wall-to-wall counseling session,
especially if you used a baseball bat during it.
If the soldier is a true fuck up, broken bones,
internal injuries and hemorrhaging may have
occurred. Inspect the soldier to make sure he is
still conscious, still breathing and does not appear
to have any external damage or signs of internal
damage (blood or cranial fluid leaking from the ears
is generally a sign that the counseling session was
a little too thorough). One of the three is
generally sufficient. If the soldier can still move
following the session, immediately restrict him to
his room. If he is not breathing and will not obey a
direct order to resume breathing, perform rescue
breathing and then beat his ass some more after you
revive him. If his heart stops, apply CPR and then
recounsel him for inability to remain alive during a
counseling session. Not hitting the soldier right
over the heart or the top of the head may cut down
on the frequency and severity of death among your
counselees.
If the soldier beats your ass during counseling,
though, there is little you can do. If you aren't
fucked up too badly, you can just lick you wounds
and hope the bruises heal before your wife sees you.
If you need to be ambulanced off to the hospital,
though, you can tell the judge that the soldier hit
you first. If the judge believes your integrity (and
he should...after all you outrank the soldier who
kicked your ass. If you don't, you may be in deep
kimchi...) you should be all right, especially if
the soldier actually did hit you first If you hit
the counselee first and he still beat you up, then
you need to spend more time in the gym.
Legal problems
Some unenlightened legal personnel, including the
MPs and JAG, may not have read this manual.
Therefore, they might not recognize the corrective
nature of your actions and instead term them
"brutal, heartless assault," which is also true. The
solution to this problem is preparedness:
Requisition sufficient copies of this manual so that
everyone on post that can legally fuck you over can
have one. Once these people have read this manual,
they will respect you for having made the wise and
just decision to wall-to-wall counsel.
If, on the other hand, you are dumb or overanxious
and hold a wall-to-wall counseling session without
having made the proper preparations, you need to be
prepared for the worst. Simply bring this manual to
your court-martial. After the judge reads it, you
are certain to be acquitted.
There is one very large proviso, though: if you have
to bring the soldier back from the dead as a result
of your wall-to-wall counseling session, however,
you are up shit creek and have no paddle. If you
succeed in killing the soldier and he stay dead no
matter how strict your order to resume living is,
then you way be certain that you are going to jail.
In this case, you will not get fucked with too
badly. Just inform all the inmates that you are in
jail because you beat another man to death with your
bare hands and no one will even think about touching
or going near you. No one likes the idea of being
the next in line.
Special circumstances
Wall-to-wall counseling is an effective leadership
technique when it is properly applied.
Unfortunately, not every situation is the same. What
works well in one instance way get you killed under
other circumstances. We present some sample
situations for your perusal and study.
Armed soldiers
Soldiers who are armed (for example, military
police) with loaded weapons present special
challenges and problems to the wall-to-wall
counselor. The problem is the gun. "Guns don't kill
people, people kill people" is a favorite slogan of
the National Rifle Association. No shit. However,
the gun is going to be used to kill you if you start
beating on the soldier who has it. Therefore, the
first step in this counseling session is to get the
gun away from the soldier. If the soldier will
voluntarily surrender his gun, he is a disciplined
individual. He is also a stupid motherfucker. If the
soldier is dumb enough to give you his gun, he
deserves to have his ass beat. If the soldier is not
dumb enough to give you his gun you will be forced
to take it from him. The best things to use for this
are larger guns and partners. Your partner can hold
the soldier from behind in a full-nelson while you
relieve the soldier of his lethal burden. If you
have no partner, larger guns are handy. If the
soldier carries a .38-caliber revolver, pull out a
.45 auto. If the soldier has a .45, you need an
M-16. If he has an M-16, you need an M-60 machine
gun (If the soldier is the gunner on a Vulcan,
Chaparral missile system or field artillery piece,
you're really fucked...) Once the soldier is free
from things that can kill you, feel free to beat the
living fuck out of him.
Lieutenants
Most lieutenants require daily wall-to-wall
counseling for the first three years of their Army
career. Unfortunately, the Army frowns on beating up
lieutenants in your chain of command. In fact, it
disapproves of beating up any lieutenants. Something
about them outranking you. Therefore, the easiest
solution is to find someone in another unit to come
over in civilian clothes and counsel your
lieutenant.
Dayhos
Dayhos a-re especially fun to wall-to-wall counsel
because they act like they are God. In fact, God has
decreed that we beat up dayhos whenever they fuck
up. For some, this is two or three times a day. For
others, it's hourly. And then you have the dayhos
who are really stupid mother fuckers. The only
distinction you need to make is whether the dayho
out ranks you. If he does not, feel free to beat the
holy shit out of them. If they do on rank you, only
counsel them once a day, whether they need it or not
They usually do.
Civilians
The problem with wall-to-wall counseling civilians
is that there are actually such a thing as civilian
policemen, and they will actually throw you in a
civilian jail where you will be immediately
considered fresh meat and fucked right up the ass by
some AIDS-infested Hell's Angel, and then you will
die. Therefore, it may be a good idea to bring the
civilian on post, where civilian cops have no
jurisdiction. Then you are more than welcome to work
them over in any manner you like. A big secondary
problem is that some civilians carry guns and/or do
drugs. People carrying guns fall into two
categories: those who are members of the police and
those who are not. Those who are police are
generally more disciplined but are better trained in
the use of their guns. This means that they might
not shoot at you but will definitely hit you if they
do. Drug pushers, bank robbers, murderers and other
common rabble will probably shoot at you but may not
hit you. Unfortunately, some well-heeled cruds are
buying black market submachine guns and carrying
them under their jackets. These guns, whose ranks
include the Uzi and the Ingram MAC-10, are equipped
with large-capacity magazines and can pump out more
lead per minute than an M-60 machine gun. When the
criminal pulls one of these, he will use it to hose
down targets of opportunity, which in this case
means you.
If you feel the urge to wall-to-wall counsel a drug
dealer, use a shotgun. It's easier and faster. It
does make a mess, but you can console yourself with
the fact that you are helping to make America a
safer place.
Wall-to-wall Career Counseling
Every leader has been through it. We all know the
soldier who can't seem to make up his mind as to
what he wants to do with his life. One day he wants
to be an Airborne Ranger. Two days later he wants to
go to DLI to study Urdu. And the next week he wants
to get out of the Army and grow marijuana in 0regon.
What do you do? What can you say? This is what you
do and what you say.
When the soldier makes the eighteenth decision on
the same day, you take him behind the racks, grab
his collar, slam him into a rack door, and yell in
his face, "What the fuck are you doing? Make up your
God-damned mind what you want to do! Now!" In those
words, and at the top of your voice. Swat him twice
across the head for GP and put him back to work. I
can more than guarantee he will decide to stay in
the Army within ten minutes and figure out what he
wants to do within twenty minutes, especially if you
inform him you are going to kick his ass some more
in an hour if he does not.
Wall-to-wall child care and upbringing
There is no parent alive or dead who has not been
faced with a child who wants to do nothing but cause
his parents and everyone around him grief. From
their incessant "Momma, can I have a puppy?" whine
to the temper tantrums they throw when they're not
allowed to stay up to watch Behind the Green Door on
the Playboy Channel at three in the morning, their
entire life seems to be designed to piss off
everyone around them. And the worst part is that
they don't learn when you spank them. In fact, some
of the more incorrigible youths of today seem to
become more rebellious when you spank them or ground
them. And with the overcrowding in our prisons as
bad as it is, having the police pick them up usually
won't help, as they'll be released on their-own
recognizance in an hour.
However, there is an easy, quick way to deal with
your frustrations and anxieties caused by the
upbringing of undisciplined little brats. Needless
to say, it involves wall-to-wall counseling. First,
leave this manual on the coffee table so that they
can read it and learn what you will do to them the
next time they fuck up. Then, next time they make
even the slightest slip, let them have it with both
barrels. Baseball bats, dimension lumber,
hundred-mile-an-hour tape, bare fists, anything you
can think of is good. The only thing you need to be
aware of is that wall-to-wall counseling a child to
death is quite a bit easier than with that private
you hit in the privates this morning. So go a little
easy on them But just a little.
"It shouldn't hurt to be a child," the AFN
commercial admonishes. Well, it shouldn't hurt to be
a parent, either! After you wall-to-wall counsel
your children two or three times, your life will
become much easier. And if you counsel your little
girl on top of the head enough times, her head will
become flat, and she will be able to get a lot more
boyfriends. So it works out better for everyone.
A sample wall-to-wall counseling session
The following is a true story. Only the names have
been changed to protect the guilty.
SGT Joe Snuffy was out with his friends across from
a small Army base in a foreign country. After having
a few beers, but not enough to cloud his judgment,
he observed a soldier in the small restaurant he was
in acting like a fool. The soldier was being
obnoxious, yelling at the top of his lungs,
embarrassing the women in the restaurant, and
generally degrading the image of the Army. SGT Snuff
decided to take action.
SGT Snuffy had SPC John Holmes summon the obnoxious
soldier to come outside the restaurant for a simple
talk. The soldier, SPC Jack Meoff, came outside in a
very belligerent manner. SPC Meoff took off his
jacket in a threatening manner and unprofessionally
swore at SGT Snuffy. SPC Meoff was rip roaring
drunk. He hit and pushed SGT Snuffy, SPC Holmes, and
several of their friends. He even hit two of them
with a plastic chair. SGT Snuffy took action. He
wall-to-wall counseled SPC Meoff striking him with
two punches. SPC Meoff fell to the ground. The MPs
came and took the unrestrained SGT Snuff to the MP
station in a squad car. SPC Meoff had to be cast
into irons for his trip to the MP station.
Lessons learned by this wall-to-wall counseling
session:
1) Never conduct a wall-to-wall counseling session
when you are drunk, unless you have to.
2) Never conduct one in plain sight of the front
gate of a military installation.
3) And, most importantly, when wall-to-wall
counseling is called for, DO IT.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FM 22-102 / April 1989
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